A little bit of hormonal frustration

So, I'm finally starting to "feel" pregnant. I'm still sick and tired (although not as much) but my uterus has finally risen out of it's deep dark recesses! Yep, instead of having to poke around in my abdomen to find it, you now just have to rub with a bit of pressure. It's terribly exciting and I can feel my body growing and changing every day, rather like how the Peanut's body is doing! It's all just so miraculous and wonderful that there's a big part of me that can barely comprehend it. And there's part of me that doesn't want to comprehend, I just want to sit here in awe and observe and experience it all.

Yes, now I feel like crying a little bit because of that. Just wait until I start feeling little flutters and kicks (I think I might be, but I'm still not sure).

On a more... frustrated hormonal note (and the point of this post) I'm really getting upset with the "gender wars" as I'm starting to call them. We had our first ultrasound just in Dr. Allen's office at my appointment this past Monday and while we saw a wonderful Peanut with a beating heart we did not see the "important" parts. Peanut decided to bunch up against the wall and tuck his/her legs up to hide the goods. We scheduled our big anatomy scan for December 1st. I'll be 18 weeks and considering how long and involved this ultrasound will be, I'm pretty confident that we'll see what gender this baby is.

What I'm getting really frustrated with though, is that pretty much everyone (and by everyone I mean people I see all the time, aka family) says that Peanut is a boy. Now, I really and honestly do not care. There are things I want with both genders, I want to dress up a little girl in all sorts of beautful clothes and I really would love to have my eldest be my little mini-me girlfriend (as I am with my Mom). But I know how to take care of boys, I have far more experience with them and would probably be more "comfortable with a son. And I know how much little boys love their mothers (not that little girls don't!) and I know I can not wait to have my own little Mama's boy. Whatever this baby is, I already love it and will be "disappointed" with the gender either way.

What's worrying me is that if this baby is a girl, that people (aka my siblings especially cause they are the really vocal ones on this issue) will be disappointed and wish it was a boy. I know this Peanut is loved, but I am scared that people are going to say they wish it was a boy.

Part of this too, is that I do want a girl. I always kinda wanted my first to be a girl, because I'm the first and I'm a girl. And if I say that, I'm afraid that if it is a boy, that people will be all "Oh I bet you're bummed" or "See, you were wrong! Why would you even hope for a girl!". I'm terrified of this, because my siblings know how to push my buttons and they know how to say things that really and truly hurt me (even if they don't mean to do so). I'm scared of this baby being a boy, because I'm afraid of what people will say to me. How weird is that?

I've always been the "sensitive" one to what my siblings do/say to me. I struggled with depression my whole life and I was not the easiest person to live with. I get along best (I think) with my two littlest brothers because they don't remember me as that person, rather they remember me as I am now, a better-adjusted woman who has learned how to cope (and hide) what I'm feeling (most of the time). As my mom has pointed out a lot, pregnancy has actually been very very good for my depression. It was always a more hormonal struggle (PMS was killer) and while hormones are raging, they are raging in a way that makes my emotions more even keel (most of the time). I have my moments (like while I'm typing up this post) but I haven't been "depressed". But I am still very very sensitive to what people say to me. My feelings can get hurt very easily and the "gender wars" are really getting to me. I honestly will be happy with either gender, but I'm scared of how I will respond. And I'm even more scared of how I will respond to other's responses.

So yeah. I guess there's not much I can do about all this, but to be honest. And I guess to encourage people to ask me what I want and then agree with me. It's never a good idea to disagree with a hormonal pregnant woman, right?

Looking back [because I felt like writing something]

Yes yes yes, I know, I don't update. I tend to fall into this habit with my blogs, I'll start one when I start a new era of life, and write a few things then it dies, then I try and revive it and then I suddenly start a new era, and thus a new blog. I did this with journals when I was young too, I never "finish" one, as soon as I got a new one (either as a gift or one that I thought was pretty looking) I would write in that one and forget all others. I even just got a notebook at the beginning of my senior year of high school and wrote in it like 4 times.

I relish going back and reading those things though. Heck, here's a quote from Christmas 2007 (found at one of my old blogs, pirandellian.livejournal.com).

Christmas is an interesting holiday, especially this year. For one, it's my very last Christmas as a single woman. Technically, I should have been married by now, but all things considered I'm glad we postponed the wedding. We're growing a lot and I'm realizing that one is never going to be truly ready to be married. Quite honestly, I've learned so much about Chris, myself and our relationship in the past year that I almost can't remember how we used to be. Unfortunately I'm being brutally reminded of the "old" days of long distance due to Christopher being in New Hampshire for this week. Frankly, it's awful. I wish that he was here so desperately that it's clear to me that I must marry the man that I can't help critiquing and getting annoyed with every day. And that is why people need to get married young. When you're 21 you're stupid enough to ignore the faults of someone just because you are desperately in love with them, even if the annoy the hell out of you.

Ah, the wisdom of youth (yeah, cause I was soooo much younger). And here's another, older one of quite a different tone (dating back to July 2004).

After the worst weekend in my life, in which I was attacked by demons of my own self-doubt, fear, and unbelief, I am now a shell of my former self. I don't know what to do anymore. I've lost all that was close to my heart, and am completely and totally dead on the inside. So this is the question, how am I supposed to go on? How am I supposed to lean on God, when I'm not even sure He's there? Is this some kind of Job crap, and I'm just supposed to give it up to God? Cause if it is, well then I failed. And right now, I just don't care. I just wish, that somehow, I can have something back. Something, anything.

Somehow, I think I remember what the situation was, but I do not remember exactly why I said the things I did.

It's funny, my only blog that went on for a significant length of time with posts pretty regular was probably during one of the best/worst times of my life. It was during my last semester of high school and I was just dealing with so much stuff. I had my first boyfriend, my first break-up, I started dating my now husband, I realized that maybe I should do great things in life (although I have a vastly different idea of what those great things should be now), I was very depressed and ecstatically happy (I bounced around a lot). I learned a lot about myself that semester. And looking back, I can see how God was working in my life.

On a different track, I'm a serial blog lurker. I rarely post comments, but I keep up with my mom's blog and her e-friend Kate's blog. Honestly, these two women are geniuses and I can only hope to be as smart and motherly and wonderful as they are (at least on their blogs ;)). I learn so much from the both of them about how to be a mom and about the things that are important. I'm not quite an "official" mom yet, but I already can see how what I think is expressed so clearly by the two of them.

Which brings me back to my musings on the past blogs. I went through a lot of hard times. A lot of things changed in me and a lot of thing changed me. I can only hope that my kids will be able to work through the challenges that face them in their lives. I don't want them to face things like major depression (like I did) but if that is the thing that God is going to use to work in them, then I am willing to be God's personal assistant in that. Not to fault anyone (especially you Mom) but I really felt very very alone when I was going through many of my darkest times. I know now that I wasn't, most of those times I had my Mom or more recently Chris, but I really want to make sure that my kids don't go through that. I want to be there for them and I really pray that God will allow me to do that.

On a less intellectual or philosophical note, I'm getting terribly excited and nervous for my upcoming doctor's appointment. I'm officially second trimester now and while my morning sickness is truly abating (I still have bad days, like today) I am having a lot of other... issues. Mainly just pain in my abs but that's pretty much normal and a lot easier to deal with than not wanting to eat and then being sick all the time. I'm just very nervous about the appointment. I can not wait to hear the heart beat (and maybe even see Peanut!) but I am so so so so scared that we won't be able to. And I'm just worried that something will be wrong. I'm trusting in God though, so I'm hoping everything will be fine.

And now it's almost 11pm, so I should probably head to bed. I was up early this morning for an interview (I did get offered a position, I'm thinking about it over the weekend) but I took a nap, so I'm kinda not feeling too tired (which is silly).

And let me just say, reading about old high school friendships and shennanigans makes me both happy and sad. Quite the bittersweet sentiment.