Thursday, November 13, 2008

A little bit of hormonal frustration

So, I'm finally starting to "feel" pregnant. I'm still sick and tired (although not as much) but my uterus has finally risen out of it's deep dark recesses! Yep, instead of having to poke around in my abdomen to find it, you now just have to rub with a bit of pressure. It's terribly exciting and I can feel my body growing and changing every day, rather like how the Peanut's body is doing! It's all just so miraculous and wonderful that there's a big part of me that can barely comprehend it. And there's part of me that doesn't want to comprehend, I just want to sit here in awe and observe and experience it all.

Yes, now I feel like crying a little bit because of that. Just wait until I start feeling little flutters and kicks (I think I might be, but I'm still not sure).

On a more... frustrated hormonal note (and the point of this post) I'm really getting upset with the "gender wars" as I'm starting to call them. We had our first ultrasound just in Dr. Allen's office at my appointment this past Monday and while we saw a wonderful Peanut with a beating heart we did not see the "important" parts. Peanut decided to bunch up against the wall and tuck his/her legs up to hide the goods. We scheduled our big anatomy scan for December 1st. I'll be 18 weeks and considering how long and involved this ultrasound will be, I'm pretty confident that we'll see what gender this baby is.

What I'm getting really frustrated with though, is that pretty much everyone (and by everyone I mean people I see all the time, aka family) says that Peanut is a boy. Now, I really and honestly do not care. There are things I want with both genders, I want to dress up a little girl in all sorts of beautful clothes and I really would love to have my eldest be my little mini-me girlfriend (as I am with my Mom). But I know how to take care of boys, I have far more experience with them and would probably be more "comfortable with a son. And I know how much little boys love their mothers (not that little girls don't!) and I know I can not wait to have my own little Mama's boy. Whatever this baby is, I already love it and will be "disappointed" with the gender either way.

What's worrying me is that if this baby is a girl, that people (aka my siblings especially cause they are the really vocal ones on this issue) will be disappointed and wish it was a boy. I know this Peanut is loved, but I am scared that people are going to say they wish it was a boy.

Part of this too, is that I do want a girl. I always kinda wanted my first to be a girl, because I'm the first and I'm a girl. And if I say that, I'm afraid that if it is a boy, that people will be all "Oh I bet you're bummed" or "See, you were wrong! Why would you even hope for a girl!". I'm terrified of this, because my siblings know how to push my buttons and they know how to say things that really and truly hurt me (even if they don't mean to do so). I'm scared of this baby being a boy, because I'm afraid of what people will say to me. How weird is that?

I've always been the "sensitive" one to what my siblings do/say to me. I struggled with depression my whole life and I was not the easiest person to live with. I get along best (I think) with my two littlest brothers because they don't remember me as that person, rather they remember me as I am now, a better-adjusted woman who has learned how to cope (and hide) what I'm feeling (most of the time). As my mom has pointed out a lot, pregnancy has actually been very very good for my depression. It was always a more hormonal struggle (PMS was killer) and while hormones are raging, they are raging in a way that makes my emotions more even keel (most of the time). I have my moments (like while I'm typing up this post) but I haven't been "depressed". But I am still very very sensitive to what people say to me. My feelings can get hurt very easily and the "gender wars" are really getting to me. I honestly will be happy with either gender, but I'm scared of how I will respond. And I'm even more scared of how I will respond to other's responses.

So yeah. I guess there's not much I can do about all this, but to be honest. And I guess to encourage people to ask me what I want and then agree with me. It's never a good idea to disagree with a hormonal pregnant woman, right?

1 comment:

Kate Wicker said...

I just read your mom's post about your healthy baby GIRL!!! Congratulations!

God bless!